My daughter is fascinated by penises. Aside from The Octonauts, chocolate icecream and garbage trucks, I reckon "willies" are the most intense focus of her curiosity. On. The. Planet.
If you choose to judge this as creepy or weird or unnatural, I'd suggest you don't have kids - or you shower in Speedos at the gym.
When little boys discover they have a penis, they can't keep their hands off it; they show it around like a killer hand that's just scooped the pot at the World Championship of Poker.
Little girls? They sometimes feel left out. I know my three-year-old daughter wishes she had a willy because she says "I want a willy!" about 10 times a day.
I asked her last week what I should write my column about and she screamed "WILLIES!". So here we are.
Freud called this infant feminine preoccupation "penis envy" and theorised it represented the first time females distinguish themselves as separate sexual identities to males.
Me? I reckon little girls' "envy" has more to do with boys being able to pee further and with greater accuracy, which every man knows is a timelessly amusing diversion - especially if there's an ant's nest handy.
That said, I tell my daughter having a "jie-jie" (aka vagina) is the best thing in the world. As her peeing accuracy in the backyard improves, she's coming round to this school of thought.
The things is, I'm really glad my daughter doesn't have a willy because, aside from side-stepping the challenges of growing up transgendered, it also decreases the chances by about 1000 per cent of her life being ruined by her genitals.
This is not to deny there are also many challenges to being born a woman - but one of them is not "I couldn't keep my vagina in my pants and now my husband has left me and I'm sleeping on my friend's couch".
How often do you hear that story? Never. Comedian Bill Burr posits this is because "having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet".
"How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark Week every other month," he says.
Willies, he says, "are like that tiger that attacked that magician dude during a show in Vegas. You think it's your buddy, and then one day it grabs you by the f---ing throat and things are never the same again".
I'm not going to bother listing the rich, powerful, respected, august, got-the-world-at-their-feet supermen who've had their careers, reputations and families destroyed by one stupid decision driven by their willy. It just goes to show how many blokes don't progress past proudly whipping out their spanner at pre-school.
My daughter will get about 197 kajillion coercive cultural messages to keep her "jie-jie" under wraps but all we offer those little boys and the men they become is "put it away!".
We need Advanced Penis Training Schools or maybe just a Todger Instruction Manual so your best friend, boss, the guy up the street, General David Petraeus and you ... don't ruin their lives because of their willy. There's nothing to envy, ladies.
Bill Burr reckons penises should come with a warning label. I know I'll be warning my daughter.