Fact from fiction

One of the obvious achievements of this blog having been around for almost six years is we've covered a looooot of ground.

However, if you're a newcomer to All Men Are Liars, you might often think "why doesn't he write about this?" ... when I did, four years ago and you'd never know unless you had too much free time at work to trawl the archives ...

Anyway, I was talking to my mate El Guapo recently and he expressed frustration so much written energy is expended by women dilating on the obvious about men - like the stunning newsflash we can be immature - or attempting to "prove" nasty stereotypes (like we're all cheats).

At the same time, men do love to defend the indefensible - i.e. "we're not lazy" - and thus we often unfairly get demolished when we say something quite reasonable, such as not all men are attracted to skinny blondes.

Anyway, I thought we'd go All Men Are Liars 101 today and, with the help of El Guapo, sketch out a few broad facts and fictions about men ... and see if y'all agree.


Men don't share their emotions: "It almost seems like women meet with their female friends to talk about their problems, while guys meet their male friends to NOT talk about their problems," says El Guapo.

When the Guap meets his mates, he says he talks about everything except reality; it's his means of escape, which is mostly true, except when he talks to me. Then we both break down emotional and relationship issues like they're the Schlieffen Plan and we're crazed Prussian generals looking to deflower Paris.

Men are lazy: Especially around the house, and they don't do their share of the cleaning and chores.

Me? I'm not. I'm a neat freak - plus, I work from home and can use scrubbing the dunny as an excuse to avoid a blinking cursor and the sucking maw of my next novel.

But generally? Come on, boys, admit it; we could do better around the house. And sure, we work full time ... blahdy blah ... but there's also little doubt the average bloke's idea of hygiene and neatness is not in line with that of a woman's.

We're bred to conserve our energy for conquest. Pass me a grape.

Men are immature: Do you sometimes feel as if your boyfriend behaves like a child? Does he throw tantrums, get too emotional about cars? Does he think fart jokes are funny? And when he's with his friends, do they reminisce about school all the time? Do they call each other nicknames and sing songs from their youth and recall Hollywood movie scenes in lousy American accents?

Guys act like kids because, generally, they yearn to be young again. It's when we had the most sex, the most fun and could see our abs. What's not to miss?

On the flipside, when you need us to be deadly serious and just DEAL WITH SHIT, we're pretty good at that as well ... you know, wars, natural disasters, car accidents ... until someone belches a question and we all think it's hi-lar-i-ous.

Men are gross: See "the average man's idea of hygiene and neatness is not in line with that of a woman's".

Eating a scab off your knee is not gonna stop conversation among a lot of blokes. Cupcaking your mate is considered sharing the love. Rearranging your testicles while talking to someone is just stocktaking.

And sure, there are plenty of guys not like this, but generally, as a sex, we're more enamoured of bodily functions than women - which is why it's hypocritical if we avoid changing our children's nappies.

We should be finger painting with the stuff.

Men hate shopping: How many times have you seen it? The defeated look on a guy's face while he's lap-dogging after his girlfriend in a shoe store. Unless it's for them, guys will only put up with this very early on in a relationship, and, once they've paid their dues, they will avoid it like the plague.

Accept it, move on. We don't insist you come to the footy or play Halo.


Men cheat: Both El Guapo and I willingly concede guys seem less committed to relationships than girls. However, there is no denying that it takes two to fornicate - so guys who are unfaithful to their partners are being unfaithful with women, usually.

Thus, it would appear that, unless cheating guys are screwing around exclusively with single girls, women are as unfaithful as men. It's not mathematically possible otherwise.

Men find only skinny girls attractive: Sure, a girl who looks like this will turn heads, perhaps even haunt your dreams and send you to the furthest cubicle in the bathroom at work. But, if you polled 100 guys, 85 of them would think models are too skinny. Way too skinny.

If a guy is really buffed and stacked with abs and pecs and quads and lats and shit tattoos, then he might desire likewise in his partner. But if a guy has a bit of flab, like most of us, chances are he likes the same in a girl. He's hardly got any right to criticise when he's carrying a spare tyre, has he? For the most part, I think girls would be surprised how little guys care about bodies.

And if you don't believe us, believe Google. The 2011 book A Billion Wicked Thoughts by neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam claimed that, after analysing billions of search queries on the internet, they can categorically prove men prefer overweight women to underweight women.

"Adjectives describing body size (such as 'chubby' and 'thin') are the third most frequent category of adjectives appearing in Dogpile searches. Are most of these searches seeking the slender bodies of cover models?" they write.

"For every search for a 'skinny' girl, there are almost three searches for a 'fat' girl. On the Alexa Adult List, there are more than 504 adult sites explicitly dedicated to heavy ladies (such as Fat Tube, Sugar Fat Girls, and Hippo Girls), and only 182 explicitly dedicated to skinny ones (such as Skinny Teens Naked)."

That said, most porn models are underweight, so you don't have to search specifically for skinny chicks, they just appear. Not that I'd know.

Men play games when they get your phone number: Sure, some guys will delay calling a woman to be cool and not look too eager. But most guys wait for two reasons: they're scared or nervous. 

Or, they actually aren't sure whether they want to call you. So they put it off for a few days so they can see in the cold light of day if they feel love or lust for someone.

That's not game playing; that's just common sense.

Guys are super-confident: No they are not. They're just not super-paranoid.

Men are obsessed with sport: If you think your boyfriend is "sports-mad", think again (and thank God you don't live in another country). Opposition fans aren't segregated at Australian sporting venues. No one gets stabbed or shot or riots. No one commits suicide. Fans don't throw banana skins and make ape noises when black players go near the ball. We have sport in more perspective than almost anywhere else on the planet.

So that's it.

We kept it short - we kept it obvious, so now it's your turn.

Facts and fiction.

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here. His email address is here.