Charles Darwin got it wrong - or at least, didn't give us the whole picture. According to geneticist Dr Eugene McCarthy there's a bit of a skeleton - the odd rib maybe - in our species' family closet.
The esteemed Dr McCarthy believes our nearest relatives aren't all primates and that mankind is in fact descended from pigs who rooted around, as it were, with some chimpanzees.
Hard to swallow? It is a bit, but he's got a pretty strong argument and it could explain some of my recent activities. I've been eating like a hog.
Christmas in July is to blame, I reckon. We hauled out some of the decorations the other day, had some friends round, mulled some wine and feasted on a huge roast meal, cake, pudding, chocolate and more. Yum - but I'm feeling the effects now. And it's not the only thing slowing me down.
We're moving house. Not that big a move, really - not heading interstate or overseas, just round the corner - but it's still a lot of work. And I'm meant to be on two weeks' leave. Ha! No beach getaway for me, no skiing or seeing the sights. Oh no. Boring cleaning, dull packing, tedious gardening. Paying to fix things up that I'm not going to get to use, just so someone'll come and offer us enough money to make it all worthwhile. And styling. Making the house look like it's home to a cushion/rug-fetishist. Who only eats green apples.
So I'm not getting the sort of R&R I need during my time away from work - not really much at all in the way of lie-ins or relaxation. No walks on the beach or trips to the hills. Poor me.
And then there's been the cricket. Late nights, the odd beer, some snacks, cheering (yes, the best team really did win the First Test). Falling asleep in bed with the radio headphones on. Being woken up and told to stop snoring. Quality rest has been hard to find.
It's all adding up. My vices, my circumstances, my lifestyle are all taking their toll on my previously boyish good looks. What I need is some sort of pick-me-up. What I need is one of these targeted - if slightly girly - products that have come my way.
Serums are concentrated skincare products that pack more punch than skin creams. A company called Sin-Care has produced a range of customised booster serums which, it claims, can help defend skin against neglect and overdoing it. They promise to target and protect the skin and get it looking fresh again despite the impact of lifestyle choices including stress, sun damage, the effects of too much alcohol, pollution from city living, lack of sleep, smoking, strenuous exercise and, best of all, “high sugar indulgence”.
According to Sin-Care's creator, Kimberley Pearson: “Not all ageing is about genes or age; in fact age is only half the story.
“The formulators of the most expensive creams do not know if you are a smoker, if you are going through a divorce, burning the candle at both ends, if you run every day or if you are a new mother not getting enough sleep.”
They sound like a good idea - something for the morning after, but tailored to the exact night before.
Looking in the mirror recently, the pig-chimp theory has seemed quite likely. I think sometimes the porcine portion wins out - and now it's time to fight back.
Drinking like a fish? Eating like a pig? Looking and feeling a little the worse for wear? How has it affected your good looks? And what have you been doing about it?