By David Prestipino
When I floated to the office the idea of a column on what wine trends should never again enter the mainstream, it quickly transformed from a top 5 list to something like a top 20 in the space of a tweet.
What was I thinking? The affects of some of the world's worst alcohol crimes. Graphic: Liam Phillips
Talk soon turned from bad wine trends to spirits and, predictably, beer - for which everyone has an opinion.
So in the interests of those who whine about wine, and to encourage audience participation, let's cover all drinks. First, the top wine crimes:
Why ruin a good glass of fizz with orange juice? Just serve half a glass on its own, and leave the OJ to those who really need the taste. Same goes for Midori and bubbly. Eeek!
Not even on the hottest of days is this allowed - unless the wine is under $5. It ruins the taste and looks stupid. Sink your feet into an ice bucket if it's that hot, and sink your palate into the real flavours of the wine. Spritzers excepted.
Champagne is the bubbly that comes from the region of Champagne only, in France. That $12 bottle of Jacobs Creek is not.
The only people allowed to do this are Italians - usually with their own home brew because it was made in 1986 and there's still heaps of flagons in the shed.
Wine is full of rich, complex intense flavours. You need to let it breathe/decant before it's at its optimum. I don't need to explain the concept of foreplay here, but it's the same thing essentially.
Sure it looks fancy mixed with bubbly at those B-list parties but, c'mon... They go to waste and then we're left to dispose of them on the floor when no one's looking.
We've come a long way in recent times in realising that wine evolves better and quicker in bigger glasses (see point five). But some restaurateurs still insist on serving top-notch wine in those archaic, shapeless 200ml things. Open up!
The colder your white wine, the less flavour it will impart on your palate. Most whites are drunk way too cold. The more expensive whites should be taken out of the fridge and drunk about 15 minutes later. Try it - you'll find the flavours are more robust. The same rule can apply for heavily-flavoured, Belgian-style beers.
There's such an over-supply of this NZ grape, particularly from the Marlborough region, that people are confusing good value with good wine. If you really want to try a cracking sauvignon blanc from NZ, give the Cloudy Bay Te Koko a ride. Then try going back to drink that $15 crap.
It might seem unnatural, but swirling and sniffing your wine (in a big glass) will make the experience of drinking it doubly enjoyable. Get into it, don't worry about looking like a wine snob. Or of spilling some on your clothes. Embrace what's in your glass and let it fly open to your senses.
While I don't agree with this one, die-hards out there believe beer should be drunk as just beer. Those like me who are partial to beer and lime in the morning (to get through the hangover) should also beware.
Need we say more? Buy a ginger ale or something if you don't want the alcohol. Bundaberg is pretty good.
Sure Goon of Fortune was a way to score a pash in your teens but there's so much great-value wine out there today that buying a four-litre cask of Coolabah (or Passion Pop for that matter) should never enter your head.
Someone in the office takes great offence to Fosters and VB - yet drinks Tooheys Extra Dry like it's going out of fashion. Aussie draught beers have lost touch with their more fancied boutique friends like Little Creatures and James Squire.
It resembles blue Listerine and is used in cocktails. Looks like a dream, tastes like a nightmare and, like Celine Dion, should be banned from the earth.
While I can't endorse this suggestion (it came from the same person who LOVES Tooheys Extra Dry), I must admit Guinness in a can or bottle is about as awful as drinking bad medicine.
Apparently this is the beer of choice in Addington, Christchurch. One colleague described it as "someone pissed on the floor, and another bloke swept it up and put it into a keg". Sounds delightful.
They were cool when you were little, because you had something to play with while mum and dad got boozed. Now they just get in the way and look like something from .
This might have been popular back in Rotto [Rottnest Island] in 1990, but it's hideously sickly and more than just a little '90s.
The only time I've felt the room spinning the next day was after drinking Southern Comfort. And the only times I find myself brawling with my brothers, is when we're all on the Canadian Club. No can do.
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