Seven signs that suggest it's time for you to grow up

"I don't want ever to be a man," he said with passion. "I want always to be a little boy and have fun."

Immortal words from the character of Peter Pan in the early 1900s?

Or the inner thoughts of an Australian manchild who has considered the prospect of 'adulting,' and rapidly spun his skateboard back towards adolescence?

Sure, a Peter Pan - or even Peta Pan, let's not discriminate – can be charming, witty and cheeky.

Like vs ish?

All going well, your average P. Pan may possess the devil-may-care attitude of a floppy-haired Hugh Grant, bringing just the right dose of childlike joy and banter to the party. Note this is apparently different to child-ISH.

But if you're constantly checking the surf, still living in a sharehouse, dating younger folk and spending your winters in Canggu, Bali (but enough about me), it might be high time to act your age, not your Converse trainer size.

Here are seven signs you're well overdue to take a leap into proper adulthood - if you can face all that effort.

1. Your 'age gauge' is broken

Dating downwards, chronologically speaking, is hardly a novel concept for older hornbags. Think Richard Gere, 69, who is currently expecting a child with his 35-year-old wife. Or even Leonardo DiCaprio, who generally likes to date models young enough to be on their P-plates.

But 40s? And dating a string of school-leavers? It might be time to take a reality check.


For more information and possible long-term side effects of multi-generational dating, please watch Age Gap Love on Netflix.

2. 'Yeah bro!'

Dude, speaking like a 22-year-old snowboarder is fine. But that's only if you're a 22-year-old snowboarder.

Likewise, if your speech is punctuated with profanities, or the words 'crew,' 'yewwwwww' and 'sicckkkkkk' it might be time to break out the thesaurus to strive for new possibilities.

Other words and concepts that must immediately go: 'sweet as', '100 percent', and 'epic' (unless referring to a lengthy novel, preferably involving a sprawling cattle station in remote WA).

3. Your lifestyle is, uh, stimulating

If all your stories start with an audit or your alcohol or drug consumption – example, 'man, I was so hammered, and it was a Tuesday!!!' – we have a problem.

At some point soon, if it hasn't happened already, you're going to become the pissed old bloke at the pub that everyone avoids.

So maybe rein it in, at least now and then. Or do something classy occasionally – art house flick anyone? – to provide a little grown-up sparkle to your conversation. (Tip: arthouse cinemas often have bars).

4. 'Farshun'

Fashion is subjective, or so they say. Thus, I polled my associates on Facebook to get a more nuanced perspective of man-child fashion fails.

The results? Surprising to say the least.

"Wearing shorts is lame," noted one grown-up colleague, who clarified that his controversial viewpoint held firm even in the heat of summer. "And while we're at it, shoes without socks. What the (beep) is that?"

Others pointed to the type of man-child without the good grace to own a 'decent' suit and tie. Or worse still, the kind of pretend man whose 'dress shoes' are the same one he wore when he was a trolleyologist at Coles way back when.

5. Your home is kind of gross

Speaking of threads, there is one fail proof way to spot the native man-child. Simply move those footy scarves aside and wrench open his wardrobe door.

No clothes on hangers = man-child. Entire wardrobe on chair = man-child.

Other questions to ask yourself: when did I last prepare a meal? Do I own a vacuum cleaner? Does a Star Wars figurine still in the box count as décor? Do I have more than one towel? And how often should a person change their sheets?

Lastly but arguably most importantly: will female adults find my PlayStation attractive? Nah.

6. No one trusts you at Christmas

First up, there's no way your place would ever be considered as the venue for Christmas Day. Even if you do have kids, all that cooking and cleaning isn't really your thing (smart man!).

If you're still single, you'll definitely, without question, be the last one to rock up for any special event. Not a casual 10 to 20 minutes late, but a good hour at least.

You'll probably also neglect to contribute anything, maybe apart from a six-pack for yourself.

However if you are asked to bring a foodstuff, you'll be given the same no-fail task every year: "Oh, just bring some crusty bread, or maybe some cheese. Thanks love!"

7. Future, what future?

If you're using your noggin, you'll couch your lackadaisical lifestyle in current, non-consumery terms. Living in a van, sleeping bag and all? #vanlife

Living like a manchild is also excellent for your 'socials,' not to mention Bumble and Twitter. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to be wooed by a global nomad and/or 'entreprenuer' (sic)?

Yes, if living like Peter Pan is good enough for Donald Trump, aka the #ToddlerInChief, it should be just peachy for you. He runs America!

So just keep doing what you're doin', for just as long as you can get away with it. Lolz.

Know anyone who ticks at least three off this list? Share your experience in the comments section below.