Now listen up, fellas. It's time for a good talking-to.
We know that often you don't like to listen, and that you're not always that big on talking either – especially if anything involving a ball is on TV. However, sometimes every bloke has to face up to a few facts.
Thus, following a totally unscientific (and arguably slightly sexist) survey, we've compiled seven tips on how you can rise above the hetero man pack in your dealings with we, the undoubtedly fairer sex.
Stick with us; we hope it won't hurt too much.
1. Communicate – it's gr8
Hello – anybody there? It's not nice to generalise, but for the love of God, is it possible that those two ears actually pick up any sounds on the female frequency? We know we can ramble on a bit, but there's nothing as appealing as a bloke who really listens.
By the way, if you do actually like us or would like to share something, we wouldn't mind knowing. Face-to-face is always preferable, but we're also contactable via text (not too many emoticons please), Facebook or even – if you're really daring - a phone call. Note: unless you're sporting pre-pubescent pimples, a text message is not an appropriate way to invite someone on a first date.
2. Compliments of the season
Yes, compliments are nice. While you might have clocked that we've made a bit of an effort, sometimes we do need a bit of verbal assurance.
Stock-standard phrases that might help you out in a crisis: “Your hair looks awesome tonight!” “Is that a new dress (note: a dress is different to a skirt)?” “You blitzed it in that tennis match/speech/insert other awesomeness here!”.
3. Be a little bit generous (aka, don't be a tight-arse)
We know some of you excel in this area. However, others among you could do with a gentle slap around the head.
A first date scenario is the ultimate test. Should you pay for the first date if you had a nice time? Yes, you should - if you want to see her again.
We know it's not the 1970s, and there's a chance we get paid more than you, however we'd secretly like you to get this one. Which reminds me of the time I went halvies in some fish and chips on a first date. If you can't spring for a potato cake, maybe it's best to just not leave the house.
4. Organise your social life
Alright, there are two obvious problem areas here.
First, the fella who never does anything off his own bat. While we admire your chilled-out attitude, it might be nice if you went and did something interesting occasionally. We've got friends to catch up with and crap TV to watch, you know.
Secondly, the unfortunate chap who simply does too much. We can't help but admire your joie de vivre, but is there a chance you might be able to squeeze us in around your footy training, long bike rides or your seemingly endless work commitments?
5. Put some thought into your presents
Note to a former suitor who shall remain nameless: a 10-pack of blank tapes does not make for a romantic Christmas gift.
Menfolk, we actually don't care if your present is grand or expensive; we just want a little bit of thought. Oh and while you're at it, learn to wrap, or at least shop somewhere that does.
That somewhere does not include the flower stand at service stations or supermarkets.
6. Get stylish
You have to admire the hipsters of the world for giving it a red-hot crack, even if you can see their undies.
For the rest of mankind, we humbly suggest that you invest in a fool-proof man outfit: nice jeans, a T-shirt and unscuffed trainers. For more smart-casual occasions, substitute in a good quality shirt and some leather shoes.
Beware: when it comes to shirts, tight is not necessarily right. As is the case for skinny jeans, only about five per cent of the world's population can get away with it, especially if you're over 30.
7. Get some direction
It's probably fair to say that men are the fairer sex when it comes to navigating.
However, please don't pretend you know where you're going if you really don't. After all, we don't expect you to be a human GPS.
But wherever you're going, remember we are secretly backing you, so if you have to resort to Google Maps on your iPhone, we never saw a thing.