Thank god I'm a douchebag

The former All Men Are Liars intern Marlo Begsley tells me he has a friend who habitually says "thank god I'm a douchebag" when he observes women acting manipulatively or treating "nice guys" poorly.

The social shorthand here is that, if the friend wasn't a douchebag, he'd probably be one of those poor shlubbs who gets treated like crap by women or, alternatively, he'd be paralysed by guilt when he treated a woman badly.

Accepting that you are a "douche" frees you to manipulate and lie to women, with the only concern being how many chicks you can bang.

(Douchebag is an Amercian slang term for a jerk or mean person but in recent years in that country, it's come to particularly represent overmuscled, spray-tanned, Jersey Shore types of guys. In Australia, it's more a general perjorative, meaning "arsehole", "creep" or "player").

When you get down to it, however, lying to members of the opposite sex to obtain sex can take many forms. I've written previously about this dynamic - when, not surprisingly, I was single - because it's a common dilemma faced by men and women in the dating world.

That is: do I gild the lily, pretend to like a person more than I actually do, so I can have sex with them, then tortuously extricate myself from the "relationship" after I've got what I want.

Yes, a lot of men and women would never even consider doing this but, in my experience, they don't have a lot of options; they take what they can get sexually and try to pass off their failings as a virtue.

I also know a lot of people disagree with me and consider me superficial when I say this: it takes me about 30 seconds to work out if I could be in relationship with a woman, and that largely results from how physically attracted I am to her.

If aesthetic requirements are met, I can then safely settle in to appraise things such as whether the girl is stupid (not necessarily a deal killer), a bogan (click here), dresses poorly (again, click here), is racist (here), a drug addict, liar or crazy (here).

The thing is - all of these flaws can be overlooked for the sake of a one-night stand - to reset the counter of The Last Time I Had Sex - but that requires either deceit via omission - never saying you'll call etc., or wilful ignorance, where you try to kid yourself it doesn't matter the woman is a coke-addicted, anti-Semite who dresses at Dotti.

To expand, deceit via omission is where you never mention phoning, texting or Facebook contact, nor breakfast, and definitely not a second date. However, by not speaking about a "future" with a woman, you're still kind of holding it out there as a possibility because you've not discounted it.

The way to "honourably" do this is to have the "I'm not looking for anything serious" conversation with a woman, but I find the percentage of chicks who'll still have sex with you after this discussion is inversely proportionate to how desperate they are.

And there's no bigger passion killer than desperation.

Wilful ignorance is telling yourself (usually while drunk or aroused) you don't care she has a big arse or nose, or that she's a coke-addicted, anti-Semite who watches reality TV; you can work with that.

But when you're sober, or you've ahhh ... sated your desire, the doubts return like crows to carrion.

The result of both these methods is the same - you have sex with people you know you're highly unlikely to want to see again (or for any length of time) and who you're pretty certain you'll not develop an emotional attachment to.

The reason men and women indulge in both deceit via omission and wilful ignorance is pretty simple - someone "special" doesn't come along every day, so we're left to consider giving it a go with someone who is not.

A lot of people characterise that as "just seeing what happens" but I call bullshit on this - you know when it's right and when it is wrong - and you're just practising an even more pernicious form of wilful ignorance; lying not only to the other person, but to yourself as well.

The thing to consider here is that "deceit via omission" and "wilful ignorance" are both methods used by "good guys", blokes who want to kid themselves and their girlfriends they're not douchebags who outright lie to women to get them into bed.

Over the years, I've done it all: lied and manipulated when younger, then "deceit via omission" and "wilful ignorance" as I got older and kidded myself I was "evolving".

The truth is, when another human beings' feelings are involved, it doesn't matter how you hurt them: the pain is the same. What's more, if you're inflicting pain on other human beings, it's gonna affect you; you cannot lead a positive, happy life by creating negative emotions and pain in people.

Especially if you've been inside them or they've been inside you.

The "honourable" or "evolved" options, as I see them, are you stay celibate - which really sucks.

Or, you have a lot of "I'm not looking for anything serious" conversations with women and engage in sex with people who don't really respect themselves.

So, assuming you even vaguely agree with what I've written, you can see that saying "thank god I'm a douchebag", though I'm sure delivered flippantly and somewhat ironically, is also grounded in profound relief.

It's so much easier.

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here. His email address is here.