The lengths

My stepfather used to say there were some women a man would crawl a mile over broken glass for, just to let them fart on the bridge of his nose.

He was a poet, my old man, and, though he might have run to crudity on occasion, his words often contained a certain universal truth.

Lots of men will go to extraordinary lengths for a woman - just to be near her and, by extension, to have the opportunity for intimacy.

This was brought home to me the other week with news a perky young gal had seen her Facebook account hacked, the internet baddie doing the old "I'm-overseas-and-been-robbed-and-can-someone-send-cash-ASAP-to-this-Western-Union-account?"

The girl, however, was shocked to learn a Facebook friend - notably, a bloke - had actually been stupid enough to send $1000 to the Western Union account. Looking at the cutie as she was interviewed, I realised why her white knight had "charged" - he wanted to shag her: 100 per cent.

The girl was wide-eyed and upset about her "friend" losing his money, but I'd wager the guy was far more distressed because he looked like a complete goose and his game was now as obvious as a plotline from Sea Patrol.

I'd also wager there are more than a couple of men nodding their heads in sympathy with this dude because most blokes have played the white knight at some point - prancing about a woman, feigning chivalry, when their motives were a little more carnal.

"I wanted to help her move house on my only day off", we'll say, or, "I really do love vegan cooking classes" and "There's more work for me in Latvia than there is here!"

What's funniest about these excuses is the men making them often convince themselves of their own bullshit. We're experts in the art of self-deception when it comes to sex. It's the proverbial little head talking for the big head.


Take Neville, who rather creepily delivered tampons and flowers at 3am to a woman I know after she'd joked on Twitter about needing them.

Or Scott, who hired a cab at 1am to drive 200 kilometres from Sydney to Bathurst because he had a chance of a shag.

Kristian, on the other hand, makes Scott look plain unadventurous. He flew to Australia from Vancouver to meet a woman he'd met in a Yahoo chat room. At least they got married.

My personal fave is Robert, who pretended to be Spanish for three months to bed a girl, then, when "Rodrigo" tired of the affair, had a farewell party and tearfully pretended to return home. Unfortunately for Robert/Rodrigo, his ex saw him at a club two weeks later.

This is a most instructive story because, like the other tales above, it shows the crazy lengths blokes will go to in order to bed a woman, but also how craven and duplicitous we can be once we've achieved that goal.

This knowledge - if accepted, not agonised over - could be of immense value to most women, yet, in my experience, chicks tend to underestimate both what a guy will do for sex and, then, how quickly he tires of it.

Personally, if I was a woman, I'd have some fun with this information, make guys get my name tattooed on their chest, demand street signs from distant cities. In fact, I'd probably hack my own Facebook account to see how many dopey male "friends" would send me a grand.

I know we live in a man's world and there's a school of thought guys "have all the power". But, seriously, how much power do you think a guy has who'd pretend to be Spanish for three months just to pull a root?


What 'lengths' have you gone to for a partner?

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here. His email address is here.