Glossy magazines are littered with Hollywood’s abs, biceps, triceps, lats, boobs and bums. Hugh can’t have a family day at Bronte without his abs being snapped, and poor Jack’s beach photos of his elderly man-cans make you wonder, ‘Is this as good as it gets?’
Body after body is displayed with annoying regularity, and perfection is tedious for those that pursue it while waiting next to the phone for the call from Tinsel Town they inherently know will never come. Some exercise for ‘dat look dat gits da cheeks bro’, yet others solely stay healthy for weight management and heart health.
One thing I know is this - everybody likes a different body and therefore begs the question, ‘who’s got the body type that you want?’
BIGGER IS BETTER
Body type? Huge. Ripped. Massive arms and legs that don’t fit into off-the-rack clothes. The body is granite hard, and the pursuit to get bigger is constant.
How to get it? Dedicate your life to hypertrophy training. The gym and heavy weights are your new mates, and much of your non-essential income will be spent on supplements, steroids or implants. Food intake is massive and measured to grow the body, then the brown rice/chicken diet kicks in for eight weeks to lean up and display muscle groups.
Who’s got it? Sly Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronnie Coleman and male/female wrestlers in the WWE. Pamela Anderson and various plastic porn stars also fit into this category.
CALL ME CUDDLES
Body type? Some cushion for the pushin’ is what it’s all about. The body is what it is, so grab the remote and a beer to let a cuddly physique take shape.
How to get it? Eat, relax, then repeat. The gym membership is mainly used for the lazy man’s triathlon – shit, shower, and shave.
Who’s got it? Comedians seem to make their living from it. Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan got it going on for the men, while Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy are the up-and-comers for the women.
Body type? Lean and toned. Mass means very little; most important is filling out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with style.
How to get it? In the gym, high-intensity, weight-bearing sessions are king, and kitchen behaviour reeks of portion control and choosing salmon and veggies over fried pub grub with beers. Two words keep an individual lean and fit – commitment and consistency.
Who’s got it? Ryan Gosling, Matthew McConaughey, Brad Pitt (the Fight Club era), and Ryan Reynolds. Sandra Bullock, Jessica Biel, Naomi Watts, Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, and Jennifer Aniston lead the women.
THE SKINNY MINI
Body type? iPad thin with hunched shoulders from excessive internet use and gaming sessions paired with a six-pack from malnourishment and rebelling against supermarket greed.
How to get it? Become an emo or hipster, then reduce caloric intake to chips, energy drinks, and ciggies. Exercise comes via fixie riding and rave dancing to ensure skinny jeans expose half the arse.
Who’s got it? Adrien Brody, that surly English chap from those Vampire movies and My Chemical Romance’s lead singer. The ladies have Kristen Stewart, Keira Knightley, the Olsen twins, and Angelina Jolie.
Body type? Physically, these folks don’t fall within the ‘Hollywood perfect body’ mould, yet they still look after themselves and fall within the healthy BMI or Waist-to-Height Ratio indexes.
How to get it? The goal is balance and control rather than perfection. Exercise, booze, and healthy/cheeky food all come in moderation. Gain a few, then lose a few – just stay within a healthy weight range.
Who’s got it? George Clooney, Matt Damon, Keanu Reeves, Kate Winslet, Christina Hendricks, and Helen Mirren.
Fairfax’s more cerebral naysayers will cringe at the vanity of this blog, but to have an ideal in any endeavour or industry -from the arts, banking, trades, and/or architectural - all the way down to the gym, is a good thing. When an individual is motivated by an ideal, it can turn into the fuel that provides dedication and inspiration.
Vain? Maybe, but a healthy mind with a little neck-down-vanity might be a good thing.
Further, we all have preferences when it comes to the type of body that turns us on in the bedroom. From chubby chasers to lovers of the tanned-plastic-fantastic, something turns us all on. So why not have a friendly discussion about such things? There are different strokes for different folks, and that’s what makes our wants (and life) unique - and damn cool.
For me? A Brad Pitt Fight Club-style body is preferred. Lean, agile, perfect posture, and a reasonably strong physique is what I seek - healthy and fit - with dedication required. And in a woman, I’d get my hands on Jessica Biel (paired with Alba if she’d like to join) on any day that ends in a y.
If you could have a Hollywood body, which one would it be? And what do you prefer in your partner?